I thought I would be very excited and happy to be back to work. I now have my own money, and I’m not stuck in the house all day. But I am much more unhappy then I expected to be. To me, it is very obvious that I don’t fit in, and that I will likely never fit in. Yeah, I know everyone feels uncomfortable their first few days at work, but there is some sort of subtext that I’m not totally able to read but seems to be pointing to the fact that I don’t belong.
This seems to me to be the type of company that hires people very quickly, gives them a week or so to fit in, and then lets them go and hires someone else if they don’t work out. I have figured this out based on the number of interviews that are scheduled, the number of new people hired recently, and the evidence left behind on the computer I am using. So, I won’t be surprised if my job doesn’t last out the week. It’s not that I am completely incompetent (although I’m not great at answering phones), it is just that I don’t seem to fit the culture or their unstated expectations.
I wish, now, that I hadn’t wasted the past couple of years. There are so many things I could have done, but I never got around to them. That makes me pretty sad. I could have done a lot more writing, studying, and paying attention to my spiritual self. But I didn’t and it is water under the bridge now. What is important now is to try to fit in at this job (without changing myself), and to try to fit in the things I want to do at home in the little free time I now have. If for some reason I find myself back at home seven days a week, I won’t waste the time and I will remember what a learning expereince everything has been.
I forgot to mention that The Lotus Pond celebrated its one year anniversary on July 7th, and Reflections in the Pond celebrated its anniversary on July 15th. They have both proved to be very cathartic.