Paralyzed

Sometimes I stick with things I don’t enjoy because I am trying to prove something to myself. Other times I stick with them because I am trying to prove something to everyone else. And sometimes I stick with things because I feel an obligation, no matter how misguided, to other people. Right now I am involved with a few different online groups and projects. Some of them I really enjoy, like the Stat-Tarot group which I will post about shortly. And some of them I am coming to realize that I sticking with because I feel an obligation or that I have something to prove.

I am trying to think about what is in my own best interest. Would I get more done if I wasn’t participating in these groups? Or would I just fritter away the time I would gain? Am I really disenchanted with these groups, or is this just a temporary low? What am I getting out of these groups, if anything? Could I get this experience/learn these things/do these projects elsewhere? Do I even what to do what the group is doing?

And you know… I don’t know. I think I am always so worried about hurting other people’s feelings, or so caught up in worrying about what other people will think, or even worrying that I will miss something important, that I am to paralyzed to act. And no one, least of all my loved ones, seem to understand. They tell me I should be okay, I should know what to do. I don’t.