I wonder if we can ever truly know why we are the way we are. My soul searching lately has given me a few answers, but I haven’t yet totally processed their implications.
A few comments are asked why I care so much about shoulds, or have suggested that I just forget about them. I’ve discovered there are two reasons why they are so important to me. First, I really do want people to like me, even if I am a bit of a loner, and the way I see to do that is to meet their expectations. The second reason, which plays off of this, is that I don’t want to appear dumb or uncultured, but I also don’t want to appear pretentious. So, I feel that I need to know a little bit about what everyone is talking about, or might talk about. Which, I suppose, brings in a third point, which I mentioned in passing the other day–I am a closet perfectionist. Until this past week, this isn’t a term I would have applied to myself. But there it is.
I’m not sure what to do with this revelations yet. Mostly, one day I would like to feel free to be myself, to not have to worry about what everyone thinks. But it is so hard to let go like that.