Knowing Me

It’s PMS time again, so I’m sitting around being depressed and pissy. It’s a funny thing because I know that my life is pretty good in general. It’s not perfect — I’d like to have a job and I’d like quanta’s parents to like me. (The two are dependent on each other. It will interesting to see how soon it is after we get married until they starting saying we should have kids. :think: ) But, overall, life is darn good. Comfy home (except for that damn ticking pipe!), lots of good stuff to eat (House of Gourmet and Sushi Time! Yum!), clothes, books, time to write and think, and my pretty (grouchy) cat to cuddle with.

I think I whine too much. But I’m not sure what else to do in order to figure out what it wrong. I know I’m not getting anywhere just thinking and spinning my wheels. Once in a while I try to focus and do some self-examination, but I get sidetracked and give up. For example, I’ll start reading a self-help book but switch to another one once the first one starts getting into difficult exercises. Or I will start working with one Tarot deck and switch to another once I start seeing things that hit too close to home. I keep putting off all the difficult work, and I leave everything at the surface. Part of it, I think, comes from the fact that I haven’t found the right book or deck yet. The tools I am using are good, but they aren’t totally right. So, instead I keep putting off any real work, any real self-discovery, until I find the perfect tool.

I think that I am afraid of what I will discover if I really try to get to know myself.

I never really got to discover who I was when I was a teen. I was very heavily influenced by a boyfriend. I had some of my own interests, but they were all half explored. Now that I have the freedom, and now that I am supported by quanta (the wonderful open-minded man that he is), I don’t know what to do. But… I have found this new Tarot deck that might just be perfect… :devious: