It is darn cold outside again today. -19

Well, don’t I feel a little silly and more then a little humble. Right after I posted the last entry, I visited the blogs I read regularly. I found this entry at A Mindful Life.

Do you ever get the feeling that Someone up that is talking to you… or in this case, breaking out the clue by 4 to get your attention?

I feel like my life is at a stand still right now. In three weeks we have to move, yet we don’t have a new apartment yet, no movers are booked, nothing is packed, and our current apartment isn’t sublet yet. I know that three weeks can seem like a long time (like back when we were little and waiting for Christmas), but I also know that it is going to sneak up on very, very quickly.

I wish I could just relax and forget about this move for a day or two. I want to pick up my Tarot cards, play a game, or read a book and not think that I should be cleaning this or sorting that. And what makes it even more ridiculous is that we don’t have a lot of junk. Sure, my book collection is a good size, numbering close to 300 or 400 volumes, but it is all easily packed. I think it boils down to the fact that I hate change. Sometimes I wish I was back in university, in my comfortable bedroom back home, with all my old junk and knickknacks. Life was a little easier, even with the difficult school work. Answers were a little more black and white, and if I had problems my parents were right there to help out.

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t give up my relationship with quanta for anything. I love him with all my heart, even though I get distressed with him on a nearly daily basis. (He does things slowly, whereas I like things taken care of quickly. Very aggravating.) It is just that some days I really wish I wasn’t growing up and getting older. I’d like to take a break. Drop all responsibility for a couple of days and just look after me. No planning to move, no cooking, no cleaning, no worrying about finding a new job, nothing. Just me and a couple of fun non-fiction books and maybe (the horror!) a bag of chips.

Argh. When the move is done, it will be time to go back to planning the wedding too. Why am I always so overwhelmed? Maybe it is because I don’t truly know my own Will.

Right now I’m sitting on the floor typing on my notebook. In my quest to pair down before the move, I’m going through my prized possessions–my books. It is really difficult for me to do this. Looking at all the books spread around me sort of brings a tear to my eye. Some of them I’ve had for years and years, and they have taught me a lot or not much at all. Others I’ve had only for a few days or weeks, and I can’t imagine being without them. I’m not sure why I get so attached to books. Maybe it is because they sort of take the place of people for me. I’m very shy, and don’t have many friends. But in books I can sort of escape, learn something, or find someone to “talk” to.

Right now I’m trying to decide which books to pass on and what to get rid of totally. Some of my books will be donated to the local library, and others will go to the Amity or Good Will. I am going to throw away some of my notebooks though. It is sort of hard to do that, but it is also a bit freeing too. The hardest one to get rid of will be a wee little hardcover volume I used as my first Book of Shadows. Really though, it has seen far better days and doesn’t hold much valuable information. It just brings back memories of the silly little fluffy bunny I used to be. 🙂

I’ve never really liked my real name. I guess a lot of girls feel that way though. My name isn’t very strange, just a little uncommon, and somewhat 1970’s. No, nothing hippy like Sunshine; it’s Heather. I didn’t like it partly because I could never find a good meaning for it. Some names mean great things, like Alfred meaning wise, or Jane meaning gracious gift. Heather means shrub. Sure, it’s a pretty plant, but still only a plant.

So, I go to the bookstore on Monday, partly to get out of the house. In the bargain book section I find a book of Scottish names. I decided to look up my name, because you never know. Well, I found my name with a wonderful meaning! According to Flower Language, Heather means admiration or beauty in solitude. Wow! It never occurred to me that I might find a meaning in Flower Language. And it is amazing how much this meaning speaks to me.

A little later the same day I’m reading a very good book entitled The Chicken Qabalah of Rabbi Lamed ben Clifford by Lon Milo Duquette. As I’m reading, I notice that one of the Hebrew letters is the same as my initials, HEH. HEH lies on Path 15 of the Tree of Life, connecting Chokmah (Wisdom) to Tiphareth (Beauty), and means to breath, to exist, to become, to desire. Wow again!

In the past couple of days, my opinion of my name has changed greatly. It is funny the things you can learn about yourself from such little things.

quanta and I are still “talking” (read arguing) about where we will live. (We don’t yell when we argue, there are just a lot of long pauses and the occasional tear on my part.) I don’t think my requirements are too bad. I want air conditioning, on site laundry (although on suite would be ideal) and cats allowed (or at least furry babies). And, most importantly, I want to live somewhere safe. quanta says no problem, as long as it is cheap. *sigh* (At least his idea of cheap isn’t all that bad, really. He is a man who likes quality.)

Really, I am excited about living in TO, irregardless of the high (for Canada) murder rate and the gang violence. I’ve just grown use to smaller cities like Hamilton and London. It will be wonderful to live near a great museum and art gallery, my favourite restaurants, and some really neat shops. Oh, and the World’s Biggest Book Store! But, I can’t help but feel a little worried because I don’t do well in crowds anymore, and TO is one big crowd. I know I will adjust, but I am so nervous.

I’ve also agreed not to get cable or satellite as soon as we move. I’m going to see how I do for a little while without it. I have a huge movie collection, which should help keep me entertained. And really, there are a hundred things I could be doing other then sitting in front of the TV… like finishing some PlayStation games. Wait… Like reading books. 😉