I do some of my best thinking when I shower in the morning. Today, I got to thinking about some of the things I do and why I do them. For example, Bomberman, Dr. Sexy, and his wife will be stopping by tonight. So, of course, I’ll be cleaning my already spotless house from top to bottom today. Why? Two reasons – first, Dr. Sexy has cat allergies. I can respect that, and I will do my best to clean as good as possible to minimize his discomfort. The second reason isn’t as noble. I’m cleaning because I want them to think I keep a clean house.
There is obviously a problem here. I know my house is clean, and that should be good enough. But it isn’t. I am starting to realize that I am way to concerned with what other people think about me. Why? They aren’t me, and they aren’t living my life.
Of course, there is a difference between not caring what other people think and just not giving a damn in general. I think I need to live a little more for me. I have a Hello Kitty scarf that I love, but I stopped wearing it because I thought I was getting a little to old for it. But you know, life is to short. Why not wear what I want, within reason. But being reasonable is the key.
I also tend to keep my spirituality and my studies pretty much under wraps. I may spend the day studying Tarot or reading a book for CFFN. But when I am asked what I’m doing, I’ll usually say “Oh, nothing.” I’m not doing nothing! I’m studying something important to me! But I won’t tell you because I’m afraid you will think I am a fruit! But I’m not!!! I’m an intelligent, well-rounded, spiritual person who is afraid to be who she is because of what you might think of me. And it is crushing my spirit to hide it. You might think my time would be better spent studying programming or something equal intellectual, but it wouldn’t be.
Oh yeah, I also like to play games. And, I’m pretty damn happy with my life. 😀