I’ve got a problem with “shoulds.” I feel like I should read a certain book, because everyone thinks it is great or meaningful or something. I feel like I should dress or look a certain way because that is what seems to be the ideal of beauty. I feel like I should like something, or not like it. I feel like I should study this or that.
I’m not sure why I am so trapped by shoulds. I find that instead of inspiring me, they are actually holding me back. Being Wiccan, I feel that I should study Ceremonial Magick and the writings of Crowley in order to get a better understand of certain things. But, honestly, Ceremonial Magick doesn’t interest me one bit. But since I have that should hanging over my head, I spin my wheels, vacillating between studying it and not studying it. And in the end, nothing gets done. I don’t make any real progress in understanding Ceremonial Magick or the things that I would really like to study, like Tarot or just who the heck I am.
Another big should is my appearance. I’m a rather short, being only 5’2″, and I am leaning towards the heavy side. I’m not fat by any means, and I am quite well proportioned. (i.e I have a rather large chest to balance out the rest of the weight.) But I’m not slim, like I sometimes would like to be. I see all these beautiful dresses in store windows, but when I try them on they look awful. Partly due to my weight and partly due to my height. (Even petite clothes are made for people taller then me!) So I feel that I should lose weight, even though I really am pretty comfortable with my appearance. I think that I am actually kind of pretty in a Rubenesque sort of a way. But this should hangs over my head too, making me very unhappy sometimes.
A big should bothering me right now is work. I want to get back to work, and I know that I should be working, as I have student loans to pay off. But they only jobs I am finding are retail. I’m afraid if I go back to retail I will be only able to stomach it for a short time before I give up, and I don’t know if I can handle the disappointment right now. I’ve grown a lot these past couple of years, but I am at a stage where I am pretty fragile, a lot more so then I let on. But there is that should there. And I can’t get away from it.
I wish I could just ignore these shoulds. I would love to be able to forget them and focus on what I want to do, rather then what I should do. If I could do that, then I wouldn’t worry about my weight, but I would continue to do yoga and workout a few times a week. I would read any book that I wanted to, even awful ones. I would write my book, and not worry about finding a job until the right one came along. I would play video games without feeling like I should be doing something else. I would sleep in once in a while. I would curl up in my comfy chair and think. I would be me, instead of who I should be.