I’ve got a problem with “shoulds.” I feel like I should read a certain book, because everyone thinks it is great or meaningful or something. I feel like I should dress or look a certain way because that is what seems to be the ideal of beauty. I feel like I should like something, or not like it. I feel like I should study this or that.

I’m not sure why I am so trapped by shoulds. I find that instead of inspiring me, they are actually holding me back. Being Wiccan, I feel that I should study Ceremonial Magick and the writings of Crowley in order to get a better understand of certain things. But, honestly, Ceremonial Magick doesn’t interest me one bit. But since I have that should hanging over my head, I spin my wheels, vacillating between studying it and not studying it. And in the end, nothing gets done. I don’t make any real progress in understanding Ceremonial Magick or the things that I would really like to study, like Tarot or just who the heck I am.

Another big should is my appearance. I’m a rather short, being only 5’2″, and I am leaning towards the heavy side. I’m not fat by any means, and I am quite well proportioned. (i.e I have a rather large chest to balance out the rest of the weight.) But I’m not slim, like I sometimes would like to be. I see all these beautiful dresses in store windows, but when I try them on they look awful. Partly due to my weight and partly due to my height. (Even petite clothes are made for people taller then me!) So I feel that I should lose weight, even though I really am pretty comfortable with my appearance. I think that I am actually kind of pretty in a Rubenesque sort of a way. But this should hangs over my head too, making me very unhappy sometimes.

A big should bothering me right now is work. I want to get back to work, and I know that I should be working, as I have student loans to pay off. But they only jobs I am finding are retail. I’m afraid if I go back to retail I will be only able to stomach it for a short time before I give up, and I don’t know if I can handle the disappointment right now. I’ve grown a lot these past couple of years, but I am at a stage where I am pretty fragile, a lot more so then I let on. But there is that should there. And I can’t get away from it.

I wish I could just ignore these shoulds. I would love to be able to forget them and focus on what I want to do, rather then what I should do. If I could do that, then I wouldn’t worry about my weight, but I would continue to do yoga and workout a few times a week. I would read any book that I wanted to, even awful ones. I would write my book, and not worry about finding a job until the right one came along. I would play video games without feeling like I should be doing something else. I would sleep in once in a while. I would curl up in my comfy chair and think. I would be me, instead of who I should be.

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2 Responses to Shoulds

  1. Joy says:

    I hope you find the answer to your shoulds. Perhaps if you ask yourself what the worst that could happen if you don’t do something you think you “should”, then it might be easier to realize that it’s only a should if you allow it to be 🙂
    ie: you don’t read the book that you think you should? The worst? you didn’t read it. You should lose weight? The worst if you don’t? You don’t look like Twiggy. You should get a job? The worst? You continue to do what you do now.
    As to the clothes….they obviously weren’t the right ones for you and you have to keep searching. Your’s are out there undiscovered as yet.
    Life is not an obstacle to overcome but rather an adventure to experience!

  2. autumn hour says:

    if something doesn’t interest you, then why should you do it? you should let your own interests and needs guide your decisions and not what others think. for example: yes, wiccans are highly ceremonial and you’re not. well… maybe you aren’t wiccan. you can be pagan and not be wiccan. maybe wicca is not the right path for you. let what makes you comfortable guide you, and you’ll find what’s right in time. i have been studying paganism for 8 (?) years and i just recently found a tradition that might suit me. follow your heart.