As you may have noticed via my last entry, I’m not at work today. I’m home sick. It is up to you to decide whether I’m really sick, making myself sick, or something else entirely. Let’s just say that it was impossible for me to walk out the door and get on the street car this morning.

I went back to bed before quanta left for work, and slept until nearly noon. Now that I am ensconced on my sofa, reading books and surfing the net, I feel much better.

From my recent experiences, in addition to what I posted the other day (i.e. I’m smart but I can’t handle simple things), I have learned the following:
– I have very few social skills (who’d have guessed?)
– I hate making coffee
– I am most comfortable behind my computer, sitting on my sofa
– I can’t deal with decisions, stress, or responsibility, especially in regards to a client who pays upwards of a million a year for services
– I don’t want to be around people
– and lastly, it is time to go back to the doctor to see about going on meds again

Surprisingly, or maybe not, it is the last thing that is the most difficult to handle. I have tried to convince myself over the past three and a half years that I am better. I know that there is nothing wrong with having depression, that it doesn’t make me a bad person. But I thought it was something that I had handled and moved on from. And here it is, biting me in the butt, so to speak. I am also showing signs of Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). (Thanks American Brent for pointing that out several months ago. I wish I had listened to you then.) quanta is trying to understand, but unless you have experienced it yourself there is no way to really know the difficulty and fear that surrounds simple interaction with other people.

Both quanta and my parents are encouraging me to stay with my job and to work things out. But, again, they don’t understand that by being repeatedly exposed to my fears things are only getting worse. I think that if it were a part time job, and I was exposed to these fears for a shorter over all time, instead of 8-9 hours a day, I would be able to cope better. But as it is, I am totally overwhelmed and I start to shut down. Everything I try to do to cope fails, because there is just too much to deal with. I have been reading up on behaviour therapy, and sessions of no more then 3 hours are suggested to being with, in order to limit the possibly of shutting down and causing more problems. I think, perhaps, my depression is also interfering with things, making it even more difficult to cope. (Through my research, it seems that treatment of depression should be undertaken first, otherwise the treatment of SAD will likely take much longer then necessary or even fail. How’s that for happy news?) I think that this past week has actually been a serious setback, rather then a step forward. I know it is hard for a person to diagnosis herself, but I know things are more wrong now then they were before.

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4 Responses to SAD

  1. Tracie says:

    Hmmmm. SAD. May have to examine that for myself, I think. Most of the bullet points listed here apply to me as well. But I’m stubborn and have resisted meds, because I just can’t bear the thought of altering my body chemistry in that way.

    Hang in there.

    I need to read you more often; it’s very soothing here.

  2. Silverlotus says:

    It is very difficult for me to even think about going on meds. I have constant pain in my knees, and I suffer through it rather then take meds. But, sometimes you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

  3. Susan says:

    I don’t think we should ever take on the course of self-diagnosis.

    First off, I think you have your diagnosis wrong. SAD is not what you are saying it to be. SAD actually stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, which is what many of us get in the winter months when there is a lack of sunlight.

    What you are referring to is called Social Phobia.

    Never take the advice of anyone off the internet, including myself. Go to the doctor and have it properly diagnosed. Depression is not something to fool around with, you can fight it, but sometimes without a little help, it can take you places that you don’t want to be.

    Get some help and Good Luck to you!

  4. Silverlotus says:

    Thank you for your concern, Susan. I have made a doctor’s appointment. However, I am fairly confident in my self diagnosis, since this is something I have been through before. Of course, the doctor will have the last word. 🙂

    As for SAD, it now stands for both Seasonal Affective Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder (also known as Social Phobia). Confusing, yes. I had only heard of SAD being used to mean Seasonal Affective Disorder until I started researching Social Phobia.