I love my body and trust its wisdom.

Considering my Zodiac sign of Taurus is perhaps the most down-to-earth and body-conscious sign, it is somewhat surprising that I have such a distant and tenuous relationship with my body. Because of my constant knee pain, I have often felt like it is betraying me. I have issues keeping my weight as low as I would like, and I frequently walk into things.

Okay, I’m sure part of the problem is that I have cravings for sweets and that I am a little more clumsy then the average person. But since I began physiotherapy and started to pay more attention to my body, I have found our “relationship” improving. I am more aware of what hurts and why, as well as the way my muscles stretch and move.

Although I have not completely restarted my yoga practice, I do find the poses I occasionally do to be much more effective. I am hoping that practicing yoga more regularly, along with a better diet, continued physiotherapy, and work with my charkas (especially the first and fourth) will help me to continue to build an excellent relationship with my body.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while are most likely aware that I have a wee bit of an identity problem. It manifests itself in humourous ways, like my dad calling me by my mom’s name and my mom calling me by my dad’s name (constantly). It also manifests in more serious ways, like people absolutely not noticing my presence (which happens more often then you would think). But I am learning to overcome these things and to embrace my (invisible) self.

I am finally learning that it is only myself that I truly need to please. And, of course, it is nice if I occasionally please quanta too… maybe. I am wearing colours I like, even if they are light and not the latest style. I also prefer petite jewelry, even though everyone else seems to like chunky stuff these days. (Chandelier earrings look awful on me, I think. And I don’t like them anyway.) And most importantly, I am working hard to discover who I am inside through shadow work, meditation, Tarot and astrology – methods that others may find “flaky”, but they work well for me.

So, when people actually see me and get my name right, they are seeing the real me that I am slowly and painstakingly uncovering.

For some reason I derive a great deal of comfort from sitting near my books. Maybe it is because I am alone and in a contemplative mood, or maybe it is just because I find the accumulated wisdom soothing.

In contrast, when I sit at my pretty little writing desk I usually feel quite uncomfortable. Perhaps it is because it is in a corner of our large dinning room (in our poorly designed apartment), or perhaps I have unconsciously attached too many of my fears about writing to it.

Ultimately, when we move again, I would like to have a room of my own, to paraphrase Virginia Woolf. It would be a quiet place where my writing desk could be in close proximity to my books, as well as a place where my cross stitch supplies and Tarot cards could co-mingle freely. In other words, it would be a room in which I could nurture my soul.

Until then, I learn to adjust and love my writing desk anyway.

I’ve been writing a lot about material things and personal identity lately. Looking back over these entries, I am a little surprised and confused. I really don’t identify myself with the things I own or the things I wear (expect maybe with the exception of my ever-growing library of books). So, if this is the case, why am I always excited by a present, or that thought of buying myself a treat? And why do I continually cruse eBay, looking for “it”. Do I need more discipline or to learn to detach myself from the material world (impossible when working in retail). Or, do I need to learn to be less critical of myself. Surely there is very little wrong with indulging myself (responsibility) once in a while.

All things in moderation, right?

I think that finding one’s own style, whether it be in fashion or home decor, can be a very difficult thing. We are limited by the items that are available in stores, and also by the perceptions attached to specific styles. For example, just because I am drawn to modern interpretations of Victorian style, as well as classical music, doesn’t mean I am old fashioned or stodgy. And just because I can’t stand country styles that doesn’t mean that I don’t treasure a simple home life.

I often find myself bending, as it were, to fit what I find in stores. I wear clothes that aren’t quite me, buy gifts that aren’t really right, and (most especially) surround myself with scents that just seem a little wrong. Sometimes I wish I could get things that are just right for me. Clothes that flow and fit my shape, and the perfect blend of vanilla scent.

I want to be me, but I sometimes find it difficult to discover what “me” is when none of the items I buy seem right. Maybe I should stop shopping? 😉