Sometimes, when I am tired or sad or just taking a minute for myself, I sit and think about my life. I’m not where I expected to be. I always figured that I’d get a really good job right out of school, buy a small house, and write my book on the weekends. I thought maybe I would get married or maybe I wouldn’t. It wouldn’t have surprised me at all if I ended up a leather spinster with a cat or two to keep me company. It is funny how life can be so very different then what you expect.

I didn’t get a job in my field. Instead, I’m still in retail and I actually enjoy it. I’ve been living with quanta for just over three years now, and we plan to be married next September. I couldn’t be more in love with him, and I am still very comfortable with myself and solitude. We don’t have a house, but we have a very comfortable apartment in a wonderful neighbourhood. Life isn’t perfect, but it is wonderful.

I enjoy my life. Even on sad days I am still happy with everything that I have and that I have experienced. The rough times in the past have made me who I am today, and I like that person. I may not make a lot of money or have a powerful job, but I have no major problems. Joy is where you find it, and I try my best to look for it everywhere.

I’ve been doing much better lately. My mood and outlook has improved considerably in the past month or so. Some if this improvement is obviously due to the medication, but think there is more to it then that. I am trying to be optimistic now, and I am also trying to relax and not over think. I also feel better about myself because I am working in a job where I am comfortable, and with people that I like a lot.

That’s not to say that I haven’t had a few bad days, or that I’m totally “fixed”. I’m still overly anxious, and my mind likes to race a mile a minute. But I am definitely on the road to improvement. It feels good to be a little more normal. And with any luck I will be able to start concentrating on some of my abandoned projects soon.

Which reminds me, happy three day Labour Day weekend to those who get it. Sadly, I have to work tomorrow. But I do get Sunday and Monday off. I think it is about time to dust of those notes for my book and get writing.

My student loan repayment has begun again. On one hand, it feels wonderful to finally be making payments on my education again. On the other hand, I hardly feel like I got my money’s worth. I wonder if there is any way to get a refund?

The Pond will be quite until Thursday, as I have to go out of town for this evening and return home just in time for work tomorrow. I expect to be exhausted tomorrow night, so it will be right to bed for me.

It is taking all my will power, and the scent of cooling peach crisp, to stay awake. It has been a long day. I was gently woken from my sleep at 6am by the sound of Isis barffing. She has developed a neat little trick–if her bowl is empty in the morning, she just stands in the dining room and coughs up a little spit. She makes it sound good though, more like she is coughing up a lung. And then I have to jump out of bed to make sure that she hasn’t ruined to furniture. She scampers away, and I swear I can hear her laughing.

I finally got back to sleep, after two of these little “coughing fits”. (I refused to feed her at first, since there is no sense reinforcing bad behaviour. But there is no denying a hungry cat.) I tried to sleep through quanta’s shower, but of course I couldn’t. Then I got up and made his lunch and lounged on the sofa until it was time for me to get ready for work. Work itself was busy but not stressful. But, thanks to my early morning, I’ve been having a “I’m feeling yucky” sort of a day.

On to more spiritual matters. I’ve decided against taking a Buddhist meditation class that is being held at our town hall. I can’t really afford it right now, and I figure I will be distracted by thinking about the money. She seems to offer this course twice a year, so I will just have to save up for the spring set.

I’m also trying new strategies to help cope with my wanting. It seems like every day I seem something new at work that I want, or that would make a nice gift for someone I know. I want to by it all, but I definitely can’t afford any of it. I’ve tried reminding myself that I must pay off my student loans before we have a baby. (I don’t want to go back to work right away.) But that wasn’t working. (We have some baby stuff I would love to get!) Now, whenever I think about buying something, like that lovely white almond scented candle, I repeat the word “Want” over and over in my head. It is really working. I’m not criticizing myself or saying it in a mean way, I am just reminding myself that it is a want and not a need. I need to pay off my loan; I want a moonstone pendant. There is a big difference there. We will have to see how long this plan works…