I am trying to enjoy my “last week of freedom,” as quanta likes to call it. (Do you think he means something by that?) I’ve finally gotten around to doing some more writing for The Lotus Pond, picked up my Tarot cards again, done some cross stitch, and started reading a good book. Overall I’m feeling very good, very content. My new job starts on Friday, with a short four hour introduction shift. So, we will see how I feel this time on Friday.

This week has been both difficult and rewarding. I’ve made it a point to go out, both with quanta and by myself, several times. I’ve talked to strangers, and I’ve tried to be less concerned about what people may be thinking about me. All of this may sound like simple things to most of you, but they are big steps for me. Especially when you realize that I’ve actually been happy all week. It is nothing short of amazing.

I’d also like to share that I have a new job, one which is better suited to my temperament and desires. I will be working at a little card and gift shop, which has excellent hours and a wonderful owner. I did say I didn’t want to work in retail again, but I am really looking forward to this job. It is full time, but the hours are nice enough that I will still have plenty of time to write and dream.

I’ve been reading a couple of books on social phobia and shyness, and I am starting to understand myself a little better. It is nice to know that I’m not the only person in the world that thinks the way I do. I also now understand why I avoid certain situations, or why I don’t share things with people, etc.

This fear of embarrassment and of other people has caused me to hide and ignore the things I like. I try to present a very normal and bland exterior, in hopes that people will like me and so I won’t stand out. There are certain things, like Tarot and cross stitch, that I enjoy very much, so I do them anyway. I don’t tell everyone, of course. There are other things that I don’t do because I am afraid of being too different.

I have decided to be brave and do the things I like regardless of the (imagined) consequences. I’m going to listen to classical music even though I think that people might think I am pretentious because of it. I’m going to read books on whatever I feel like, even though I think the librarians think I’m odd. I’m going to let my fingernails be long and painted, because I like them that way. And I am going to stop hiding how smart I am behind a fake bad memory and a small vocabulary.

A big part of getting over this shyness, this social phobia, is getting to know who I am and embracing everything about me. I know it is going to be very difficult, but I am tired of being afraid and I’m tired of trying to please everyone else. It is time to realize that if someone doesn’t like me, than it isn’t the end of the world.

On a different note, I want to say “Hi!” to quanta’s twin sister Shell. I had no idea she read my blog. 🙂