I’ve been reading a couple of books on social phobia and shyness, and I am starting to understand myself a little better. It is nice to know that I’m not the only person in the world that thinks the way I do. I also now understand why I avoid certain situations, or why I don’t share things with people, etc.

This fear of embarrassment and of other people has caused me to hide and ignore the things I like. I try to present a very normal and bland exterior, in hopes that people will like me and so I won’t stand out. There are certain things, like Tarot and cross stitch, that I enjoy very much, so I do them anyway. I don’t tell everyone, of course. There are other things that I don’t do because I am afraid of being too different.

I have decided to be brave and do the things I like regardless of the (imagined) consequences. I’m going to listen to classical music even though I think that people might think I am pretentious because of it. I’m going to read books on whatever I feel like, even though I think the librarians think I’m odd. I’m going to let my fingernails be long and painted, because I like them that way. And I am going to stop hiding how smart I am behind a fake bad memory and a small vocabulary.

A big part of getting over this shyness, this social phobia, is getting to know who I am and embracing everything about me. I know it is going to be very difficult, but I am tired of being afraid and I’m tired of trying to please everyone else. It is time to realize that if someone doesn’t like me, than it isn’t the end of the world.

On a different note, I want to say “Hi!” to quanta’s twin sister Shell. I had no idea she read my blog. 🙂

I’m a little disappointed at myself this month. I got a job and then I went on a spending spree. My VISA bill is ridiculously high, and I have to start making student loan payments again by the end of the month. I don’t expect any sympathy, since I know some of you are much worse off then I am. In fact, I’m not really poorly off at all. I just can’t control myself when I get a little bit of money. I bought things I didn’t really need, like an MP3 springboard for my Handspring and a pretty bag with some Selina Fenech artwork on it.

I’m not going to be able to pay my bills this month. quanta is going to have to help me, again. I’m really sad about this, and I have learned a couple of important lessons. First, I shop when I’m sad, which means that I shouldn’t carry my VISA with me when I know I’m feeling down. I should go to the museum instead, since I have a membership and there is nothing to spend money on there. Second, I need to learn to handle my own money better. I pissed away a stupid amount of money this month, and I have very little to show for it–a couple of new gadgets, some clothes (which I did need), makeup (which I didn’t need, but had a coupon that expired), the bag, and more then $50 worth of books. I didn’t really need any of it. I have got to change my spending habits if I ever want to pay off my student loans and repay quanta for all the help he has given me. And, most importantly, I don’t want to have children until my loans are paid off. At the rate I’m going, I will be 40! No more stupid spending!

Of course… I’ll glad take donations and gifts from my wish list. 😉 Just kidding!

I’ve been so focused on figuring out what to do in regards to the job, that I had totally forgotten that today is Lammas. Quite frankly, I am far to exhausted to do anything to celebrate it. My mind is going a mile a minute, and I am tiring myself out trying to figure out what to do.

I’m also working my way through a book about shyness and social phobia. Although I haven’t yet got to the part that gives suggestions on how to overcome this problem, I already feel a little better. It is nice to know that I’m not the only person in the world that thinks they way I do. I think that understanding this is very helpful, because it makes me feel a little less isolated.