As you may have noticed via my last entry, I’m not at work today. I’m home sick. It is up to you to decide whether I’m really sick, making myself sick, or something else entirely. Let’s just say that it was impossible for me to walk out the door and get on the street car this morning.

I went back to bed before quanta left for work, and slept until nearly noon. Now that I am ensconced on my sofa, reading books and surfing the net, I feel much better.

From my recent experiences, in addition to what I posted the other day (i.e. I’m smart but I can’t handle simple things), I have learned the following:
– I have very few social skills (who’d have guessed?)
– I hate making coffee
– I am most comfortable behind my computer, sitting on my sofa
– I can’t deal with decisions, stress, or responsibility, especially in regards to a client who pays upwards of a million a year for services
– I don’t want to be around people
– and lastly, it is time to go back to the doctor to see about going on meds again

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I want to thank everyone for their kind words and advice. I know I’ve been a big suck. I mean, lots of people don’t have jobs, right? And my only problem is that I am way out of my comfort zone and doing something I hate, and eating too many cookies in the process. (I’m never going to fit into my wedding dress by next fall!) I guess I just don’t want to grow, which isn’t a very spiritual thing to say, is it?

We learn a lot about ourselves when we are put into situations that are difficult. For example, I know several people who are very smart, but for some reason just aren’t good at simple things. For example, quanta can’t cook or do simple home repairs even if his life depended on it. Well, this week I have discovered that I am one of those types of people too. Apparently this was actually well known to my friends and family, but no one clued me into it. *sigh* I’m not good a social interaction with strangers, or with really simple administrative tasks, like answering the phone and putting people on hold. But give me some complex problem related to my studies, or ask me about ancient history, etc. and I’m great. I guess I just have to carry on and try not to cry at work. Although so far I’ve cried every night when I’ve gotten home.

On a much happier note, today marks the one year anniversary of my engagement to quanta. :love:

How do you stay spiritual when your day is spent answering phones, making coffee, and doing data entry for contest forms? (It is so sad when someone checks off that they make less then US$25,000, and that one of their financial priorities is buying luxury items.) I feel so lost right now, and so unlike myself. I am shy, and very timid by nature, and I am quite happy to be that way. But for the past few days at work, I’ve had to call people I don’t know and do research into buying expensive items for my company. I am way out of my comfort zone, and all I can think about is survival. How is it possible to live like this day to day without going crazy?

I suppose the obvious answer is that one needs to learn and grow. Well, I don’t want to. I like myself as shy and quiet. I don’t want to be someone else. I am trying to tell myself that I need to keep this job because I need to pay off my student loan and save some money. But is it worth losing myself in the process? No one else seems to understand the pain this is causing me. But I guess I’ve always been very sensitive. I wish there was some way out.

I thought I would be very excited and happy to be back to work. I now have my own money, and I’m not stuck in the house all day. But I am much more unhappy then I expected to be. To me, it is very obvious that I don’t fit in, and that I will likely never fit in. Yeah, I know everyone feels uncomfortable their first few days at work, but there is some sort of subtext that I’m not totally able to read but seems to be pointing to the fact that I don’t belong.

This seems to me to be the type of company that hires people very quickly, gives them a week or so to fit in, and then lets them go and hires someone else if they don’t work out. I have figured this out based on the number of interviews that are scheduled, the number of new people hired recently, and the evidence left behind on the computer I am using. So, I won’t be surprised if my job doesn’t last out the week. It’s not that I am completely incompetent (although I’m not great at answering phones), it is just that I don’t seem to fit the culture or their unstated expectations.

I wish, now, that I hadn’t wasted the past couple of years. There are so many things I could have done, but I never got around to them. That makes me pretty sad. I could have done a lot more writing, studying, and paying attention to my spiritual self. But I didn’t and it is water under the bridge now. What is important now is to try to fit in at this job (without changing myself), and to try to fit in the things I want to do at home in the little free time I now have. If for some reason I find myself back at home seven days a week, I won’t waste the time and I will remember what a learning expereince everything has been.

I forgot to mention that The Lotus Pond celebrated its one year anniversary on July 7th, and Reflections in the Pond celebrated its anniversary on July 15th. They have both proved to be very cathartic.