Quiet day today. I’m glad to be back home. I love my parents, but it is nice to be back in one’s own space, you know? I got caught up on the cleaning, clothes washing, etc. this afternoon and then enjoyed a nice nap. I have the worst time sleeping someplace other then my own bed, so I had built up a nice sleep debt by being away.

This morning I spent an hour or so planting another indoor garden and listening to classical music. The container garden I had at our last place eventually got over run by spider mites (which came in one free mini roses, so much for free stuff!), so it didn’t get moved. This time I was more careful when I chose my plants, making sure they all appeared healthy and bug free. It was such fun to get my hands dirty, and it was sort of healing in a way to. Being an apartment and city dweller, I don’t feel very connected to nature. When I do go for walks, I get so happy seeing the trees and the flowers. It is so nice to have a little bit of that indoors, and to actually play in the dirt!

Tomorrow, if the weather stays nice, I think I will go to the ROM again. It is getting to be an almost weekly pilgrimage for me. I’d sort of like to go to the Art Gallery of Ontario, but truthfully I’m not a big fan on most art. I like Pre-Raphaelites and that’s about it. I’m also not a fan of poetry or philosophy, but that is neither here nor there.

And, sadly, it looks like I’m not getting those pieces for my altar. My last two emails to the shop have gone unanswered, and my package has not arrived. I will try to contact them a few more times, giving them the benefit of a doubt, but it looks like I may have to try and get my money back through VISA. *sigh* I was so excited.

I’m rambling today. Sorry about that. I think it is because I have a few ideas floating around, but none are yet coherent enough to share.

There is one more day of my visit to my parents’ left, and although I miss quanta more then you can imagine, I am very glad I came. I’ve always had a fairly good relationship with my parents. Even after I left home (very quickly, and not on the best of terms) we still stayed close. Now that I am living only an hour away, as opposed to the two and a half hours previously, I’ve seen my parents much more often. They have popped down for an afternoon of browsing in Ikea, or to take us grocery shopping (since we have no car), or just to stay for dinner. They love quanta, and our relationship has gotten better.

These past two days I’ve had a couple of really good talks with both my mom and dad, separately and together. We’ve talked about things like the religious up bring of the child I plan to have some year soon, the way kids dress these days, how Canada handles diversity, mixed marriages, etc. My dad and I had an excellent talk about owning one’s knowledge, and being able to take the risk of stepping beyond the safety of being a beginner. My mom and I have gone plant shopping so that I can try my hand at an indoor garden again. (No rose this time, so as to hopefully avoid spider mites.)

I love my parents, and I think that I am able to more clearly see them as real people now. They don’t seem so old anymore, and I am also more able to respect the decisions they made in life, even if I don’t always agree with them. It is funny the insights that a short trip home has given me.

Earlier this afternoon I walked over to our local library, a tiny little thing located in our wee town hall. Swansea, the area of Toronto where we live, is the only community within TO to still have its own town hall and a sort of local government. I’m not really sure why, but it adds to the homey feeling of this area.

Anyway, today is a rather chilly spring day, but still quite nice. I took my time walking over because the library didn’t open until 1pm and I was a little ahead of schedule. My walk was so nice, because there were still many spring flowers to enjoy. I love seeing the bright yellow of daffodils and the shocking red of tulips, and especially the few remaining blushing pink and royal purple hydrangeas. I also find the variety of bird song amazing! I guess it is partly due to the fact that we are near such a large park. Where I grew up, there were only a few different varieties of birds around, just your typical city dwellers like robins, seagulls, etc. Here there are geese, ducks, swans, and many different birds I have only heard but not yet seen. I like the fact that I am not taking time to really listen to and see what is around me. It is amazing how much of a difference it makes.

On my walk home, some how I got to thinking about what I would like to accomplish by the time I am fifty. I’m not sure where that number came from, but I am getting a little more introspective because my birthday is coming up. I am moving firmly into my late twenties and I am questioning what I have accomplished. So, the list I came up with for what I’d like to do looks like this so far:

• raise a happy and well adjusted child (Hey, my mom managed to do it, sorta, so I guess I can to!)
• plant a tree and see it grow
• go back to university (I would do this at 50, or whatever age it is that tuition becomes free. Many universities here do offer free tuition to “older” students.)
• write my book (I really don’t care if it ever published though.)
• finally be comfortable in my own skin (I hope it doesn’t take me until 50 to do this.)
• stop being a “people pleaser”

Looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me. 🙂 But, you know, I’m looking forward to it. Especially learning to occasionally put myself first.

Fran, over at Sacred Ordinary, wrote an inspiring entry this week about her impending retirement. She has laid out some wonderful goals for herself. Now she has got me questioning just why I wasted the past couple of years. On June 1st, for all intents and purposes, I will have been unemployed for two years. It is partly by choice and partly through circumstances that I am not working. Mainly, I am not willing to go back to retail (unless it is a bookstore job) and I am also not well suited for a corporate job. So, I’m stuck in these weird limbo, trying to find the job that is right for me. Anything else will turn me into an evil, slobbering, bitch beast of a woman. (And believe me, I’m only half kidding. quanta wasn’t very sad when I left EB, because it had made me a mean woman.)

So, why didn’t I accomplish much these last couple of years? Partly because I always felt like I was waiting for something. I might starting working soon I’d think to myself, so I wouldn’t get started on the big project that was calling me. quanta might think I am wasting time I’d think, so I wouldn’t settle down to read that book. They were pretty lame excuses, now that I look back. So what if I start working, I can still work on my project to, I just have to scale back the time I spend on it, and when has quanta ever not supported me?

I have actually accomplished quite a bit though, if I am willing to look beyond just word output or books read. I have learned a lot about myself and my spiritual path. I’ve enjoyed cooking dinner almost every night, and I have discovered some great recipes that I will use my whole life. I have found the Zen-like pleasure that can come when one is fully present while cleaning house. And I have even made some good friends online. These skills may not get me a job, but they make me a better person. And if I’m looking for concrete accomplishments, well I’ve finished several large cross stitch pieces, I created The Lotus Pond and this blog. I’ve also been part of a study group and CFFN, and written volumes of text in the process. Maybe I didn’t really waste my time as much as I thought.

But, bearing that in mind, I’m going to be a little more careful about letting the days pass with having done not much more then veg in front of the TV. There is always a book to read, for fun or for education, or an essay to write, or a park to walk to. These past two years haven’t been wasted, nor will any of the years yet to come.